Published: October 11, 2006 09:40 am      

Abuse makes everyone involved suffer

Vigil spotlights impact on multiple victims

A mother and daughter embraced as they listened to speakers at Tuesday night’s Domestic Violence Candlelight Vigil at Your Family Resource Connection. They took turns comforting one another, patting the other’s back or squeez-ing her hand, passing fresh tissues back and forth.

Both cried when they heard about the effects on children who witness the relationship between an abusive man and a battered woman.

Cheryl Taylor, 45, and Jessica Nelk, 29, have both been victims of domestic violence. Each spent time in YFRC’s women’s shelter or residential program when the abuse became too much to bear. Like many women, they stayed in their destructive relationships out of fear of their abusers and the feelings of inadequacy that person instilled in them.

“It’s been 10 months since I’ve been out of my second abusive relationship,” Taylor said. “The first one was when I was young, in my 20s. I stayed because of my son.

“The second one lasted nine years. He was abusive from day one, before we even moved in together. I’d leave, but then I’d go back. It was hard to make the break because we had a young son together.

“The abuse took all the forms: mental, physical, sexual,” she recalled. “The time finally came where I left for good. I knew I would stay gone.”

Her daughter found herself in a somewhat similar situation when a male friend came to stay with her.

“I didn’t know what to do,” Nelk said. “It was my house, so I didn’t want to get out. I couldn’t get him to leave. I was afraid of him. He was the type who would take me or my children as hostages.”

Thanks to YFRC, both women feel safe and strong.

“The staff here all deserves medals,” Taylor said. “I learned not to give up on myself while I was here.”

Charlie Hester, a domestic violence survivor who spoke at the vigil, made a similar point about the support of the people who work at YFRC and the strength of the human spirit.

“I came to the YFRC shelter three years ago, with three children who were 1, 2 and 3 years old at the time,” she said. “I stayed in my marriage because bad as life was, it was predictable.

“The shelter was unknown.”

Thanks to her experiences at YFRC, Hester finally realized she was not only safe, but strong.

“I never reported what my ex-husband did to me,” she said. “I was ashamed. I thought it would stop. And I was wor-ried about how I would support myself and three kids.

“But I wanted to get my kids out when they were young, so they wouldn’t remember what happened. I had to find myself, to get control of my life.”

The youngest victims of domestic violence have an advocate in attorney Nancy Fahey, who serves as guardian ad litem in Vermilion County Circuit Court. For the 10 years she’s spent in that capacity, Fahey has advocated for all chil-dren in abuse and neglect cases.

“I’m the arm of the court that’s looking out for the best interests of the children in these situations,” she said when she spoke at the candlelight vigil. “I see the results for these children who live in violent homes.

“They witness or hear the violence. They may hide or be hurt unintentionally. Some are injured or even killed. Some need intensive therapeutic intervention as a result.

“For others, it becomes a generational cycle. One little 2-year-old was removed from her home due to the violence in her family. Then her mother had a baby, who was also removed.

“In the state of Illinois, we try to keep siblings together. The two were placed in the same foster home. Then the older sibling began battering the baby. The effects of what she’d witnessed were profound and immediate.

“The result was that the children had to be separated. They lost both their mother and one another.

“Domestic violence is not a private issue,” Fahey told the crowd. “It’s a crime.”

FYI

As part of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the staff at Your Family Resource Connection invites the community to attend an event at 1 p.m. Oct. 21 at the YFRC gym. An interactive simulation of the life of a victim of domestic violence will allow visitors to see the circumstances she would face, the choices she could make and the consequences of those choices. For more information about this event, or for help with issues stemming from domestic violence, call 443-5566.

BY THE NUMBERS

To recognize National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the Commercial-News is tallying the number of domestic reports city and county law enforcement respond to each day. Since Oct. 1, more than 30 domestic incidents have been reported.