Ten reasons to oppose marriage equality:
1. Being gay is not natural. Americans always oppose things that aren’t natural like eyeglasses and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to other illegal behavior. People might even wish to marry their pets because a dog can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed like many of the principles on which this great country was founded; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites; and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriages are allowed. The sanctity of marriages like Brittany Spears’ would be destroyed.
6. The only valid marriages are those that produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet and we need more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children since straight couples raise only straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the country. That’s why we have only one religion.
9. Children can never succeed without both a male and female role model at home. That’s why we, as a society, expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. We could never adapt to new social norms, just like we’ve never adapted to longer life spans.